What do you do when your attempt to die doesn't succeed. When you try and drink Hydrogen Peroxide in the hopes that maybe just maybe you can end it all. Instead you are just sick for a day or so and thats it. Perhaps more is needed but at the same time afraid to fail yet again. A protector who failed to protect is useless and worthless. Everything lost all for the love of one female who hated my guts the entire time. Who only wanted to bring me down. Yet...and yet I love her and always will. Even though she doesn't and never did care about me.

Maybe right fully so. Maybe I am worthless baggage after all. If I weren't she would still be here even if only as a friend. However, I lost her to another guy. Someone else she started seeing while dating me. The only thing I can think of as to why she did that is that somehow I was inadequate. I wasn't good enough. If I was...if I was a better person she would still be around somehow. She isn't though and somehow the fault must lie with me.

She wanted me to move on ad get on with my life. What she doesn't realize is that she was my life. She was the one for me yet she left. She left and I will never know why. Perhaps she enjoys the thought of me suffering. I don't know...I have tried to move on but I can't. For once in my life I had something, someone to fight for. For once I had hope. That somehow, someday...thinngs would get better and I would spend the rest of my life by her side. She didn't see it that way though. She only played me like a fiddle, used me for her personal pleasure and when she was done she threw me away.

I wish I could find peace...yet everywhere I go I see her and I together. Its almost as if nothing has changed and yet it has. Worst part is I never even got to celebrate her Birthday with her. I will always remember it too. If there is no way to make up for what happened, for loving someone and yet being inadequate...perhaps its time I just gave up on ever mattering again. Maybe hanging from a rope would help. When should it be done though? Perhaps on her birthday...that way there will be no possibility of me bothering her ever again. That way she can never say I didn't follow her wishes. After all if I was just fun and baggage to her. If by living I imprison her. Then maybe my death can set her free.

I love her and miss her everyday...and once in awhile the bruises and scars I receive from my parents in her name, physical, mental and emotional are sometimes worth it. Knowing that at least I protected her from them. At least in that regard I did not fail her. Perhaps there are just some people that are not meant to live. That are supposed to whither and die. Making way for the stronger the better ones. Perhaps I am one of those meant to die because without her there is no hope, no reason to go on. She will alwyas have the key to my heart. That should make her happy as she laughs her head off if she reads this.

I miss you my broken down angel.
More and more each day.
If you never come then
Perhaps Love can never find a way.

What used to always be so bright,
Seems no longer to be so light.
As every instance seems to be,
Suddenly and swiflty devoured bythe night

Though I know you no longer hear my cry,
It doesn't matter whether I live or die.
The best times I can look forward to now,
Are those in which I breathe my last sigh.

Perhaps it is finally my time to leave,
Overdue ever since that one summer's eve.
For if I do not find some wayin which to depart,
I fear it is my fate to forever grieve.

Do not hate me for I never could you,
Even though at times I may be Blue.
Don't worry, dont fret my dear,
For my last breathe and thoght will be you, oh how true.